Ok, I'll admit that this is immature. But, I was bored, and later quite entertained by my own creativity. So, unless you are easily offended, grossed out, or my parents, please enjoy this list of possible holiday-themed porno-flick titles.

1) The 12 Dicks of Christmas
2) Here Comes Santa Claus
3) Santa’s Big Sack
4) A Naughty Girl’s Toys
5) Santa’s Lay
6) On His North Pole
7) I Saw Mommy Pissing on Santa Claus
8) Milk and Nookie
9) 5 Golden Cock-rings
10) Ginger-Head House
11) Whore for the Holidays
12) Grandma Got Bent-over by a Reindeer
13) The Mound of Holly
14) Hot Buttered Cum
15) Snow-Balling
16) Spiked Egg-Snog
17) All in One Night
18) Licking Candy-Canes
19) Jingle Bell Cock
20) Mrs. Claus’ Cookie
21) Taking Down the Stockings
22) Santa’s Little Felcher
23) The Elves are Hard at Work
24) Yule’s Log
25) The Polar Sexpress
26) Bloomingdale’s Day After Christmas Tail
27) Hung like a Chimney
28) A Very Hairy XXX-Mas
29) The Nut-Snacker
30) Jolly St. Dick

 I’m in love.

With a band. A band that once was.

The name of the band is Cotton Mather. Yes, yes, there was another Cotton Mather, a puritan 'moralist' of the 1700s, known much for his role in the Salem Witch Trials. This is not the same Cotton Mather.

 

This Cotton Mather rocks, and comes from Austin, TX.

I’ve known about them for some time now, and I always knew they were good. But the reality of just how good they were had somehow eluded me. I had never owned one of their CDs, and I hadn’t caught them live. But, I did see a video of theirs, (I think their ONLY video) on the Austin Music Network (public TV station) shortly after I moved to Austin after high school. The video was for their song April’s Fool, and at that time, 1994, it was one of the smarter rock tunes I had heard. I was 18, so I didn’t really know what it was that constituted a “smart rock tune”, but I knew I liked it. I was hooked. Every once in a while their name would pop up on a club’s music calendar, or I’d here April’s Fool or Lost My Motto on KGSR.

They did end up getting signed, and eventually Oasis heard their 2^nd album, KONTIKI, and flipped out over it. Liam Gallagher is quoted as saying, “I fucking wish it was ours. I play it all day at home.”

Oasis ended up booking Cotton Mather as their opener, and the band moved to London where they became fairly well known, but Very Much respected.

 

One day, I was sitting around, and thought, “Hey, I wonder what Cotton Mather’s been up to. They were awesome.”

Unfortunately, after 4 albums, Cotton Mather broke up last year. This was made even more painful, because after hearing some stuff from their last album, it was clear that their music was better than ever. So, I began looking up everything I could, and I swear, not only have I encountered some die-hard fan websites, and many amazing song clips, I have not come across a single bad review.

 

Their sound has been compared to Squeeze, the Beatles, Elvis Costello, etc. There could be worse things, right?

Above all, it’s the songs that resonate. Thanks to exceptional, honest lyrics by lead singer Robert Harrison, and perfectly distorted guitar layers from severely underrated lead guitarist Whit Williams, the songs are everything they should be; catchy, inventive, universal, and intelligent.

With truly raw but enjoyable tracks like Password, Vegetable Row, & Camp Hill Rail Operator, you can see how they benefited from keeping their distance from the highly packaged, studio pressure vibe that comes with being on a known label. They did it on their terms, with the equipment, instruments, and effects that they wanted, and it shows.

 

I don’t want you to take my word for it. I want you to hear. However, I have a feeling that it might not be exactly legal for me to post their songs for free, but there are clips and such to be found. Some clips are avaliable on the lable's site, Rainbow Quartz, and The Manchurian, which is really the most comprehensive fan site. Their albums, Cotton Is King, KonTiki, Hotel Baltimore, & The Big Picture are still available on Amazon and similar sites.

 

It’s funny how a band that I merely liked during college could end up my favorite band almost 10 years later.
It's a shame it took me so long to understand.

My older sister has a way with words. It's kind of a Weird way actually.

Here's the background regarding a particualr phrase that was uttered by my sister:

Some of K-Blog's readers might already know that in addition do doing freelance marketing projects, playing soccer, and lately talking to a few offices about securing a new day job in Marketing, I'm also a musician. I play a lot. It's pretty much a second career for me.

Lately, a lot of things have been happening in that world. I've added a new guitar player to my 3 piece band. I redid my website. I'm mixing my CD. I went on tour with 2 other songwriters as a roots guitar trio.

While discussing this over the phone with my sister (she's in TX, I'm in NY) She said the following:

"Wow. You sure have a lot of fingers in your pie."

Of course, I responded to this with dumbfounded hysterics. I said, "You mean, I have a my finger in a lot of pies."
She says, "No, I'm right, that's a phrase. Like too many hands in the cookie jar." I said, "Umm. No. That's too many cooks in the kitchen, and someone gets caught with their hand in the cookie jar."

She doesn't believe me. Anyone care to back me up?

"We will isolate the ideology of Murder."
- Pres. Bush today in an address thanking Canada for their support and friendship in the ongoing fight against blah..blah..blah...

Look, we already know this is a big joke. I can't stand this administration's policy and it makes me ill that we have it for another 4 years. But, it's old news. No, no. There is something else going on. Something Bad. And I simply can't stand idly by and let it go on any longer.

And that 'thing' is this absolutely, ridiculously stupid speech writing!!!

I mean, Come On! "..The ideology of murder"?!?!?! Who's writing this crap??

Look, "Evildoers" was tough to swallow. "Axis of Evil" was even more of a stretch. How about "Outlaw Regimes"?
But, then we start getting into, "Iraqis love Freedom", "Different threats require different strategies", and "we have a duty to reform domestic programs vital to our country."

Well, No Shit.
Could you be a little more vague please? These guys are the kings of talking for an hour without saying a goddam thing.

Have you ever seen him address a crowd with Tony Blair? It is a sad affair indeed. What ever your opinion of Blair, the guy is a Brit. He can snore and sound dignified. Together, it's like bad Abbot & Costello. Blair fielding questions with well thought-out responses, and then Bush jumping in with, "...you know, those folks in Iraq, they support truth."

Uuuy. Yeah yeah Mr. Bush, and let me guess, "Free people will set the course of history", right?

Anyway, I guess I've made my point. But I will say this: There was one thing that Bush said that did get brain pulsing. Yes, he did once speak a few lines that I thought, 'hmm, there might be something to this.'

"Throughout the 20th century, small groups of men seized control of great nations … built armies and arsenals … and set out to dominate the weak and intimidate the world. In each case, their ambitions of cruelty and murder had no limit."

hmm...

I just found the coolest thing in the world. I knew my home state of Texas was good for something, and that thing is the resurrection of Roller Derby!

 

For the past few years, something great has been going on in Austin. Yes yes, besides the food, people, and weather. A league of female super toughies has been skatin’ up a storm.

 

I’ve been waiting a while for something like this to happen. Now see, I’m a mild mannered songwriter/marketing specialist, but even I remember staying up with my sisters when we were kids to catch the T-Birds duke it out with the victims de jour. I remember they used to have this one move called the “sling-shot”, when one girl would whip another by the arm to giving her a burst of speed to take out skaters up in front. This, of coursed was inevitably followed by someone hitting and flipping over the rail. (a sight that is one of the more classic)

 

Anyway, these 2 leagues, the Texas Roller Girls & the Lonestar Roller Girls are now at the forefront of the resurgence of this beloved sport. Tattooed and rockin’ for real, teams like the Hot Rod Honeys and the Putas del Fuego are fierce competitors. And skaters with kickass names like Lucille Brawl, Helena Handbasket, and Vendetta Von Dutch, these chicks are nothin’ to mess around with.

As for My favorites…I’m partial to Buckshot Betsy of the Honky Tonk Heartbreakers, but apparently she’s married, so my attention is split between her and Sister Mary Jane of the Holy Rollers.

 

Anyway, I’m truly beside myself, and next time I’m down south, there’s no doubt I’m catching a match.

 

* Oh and also, as for my recent Texas tour, it was excellent. Very busy, and ultimately exhausting, but a hell of a good time, nonetheless.

A big thanks goes out to all the venues and promoters, and especially to J.C. at Ruta Maya, and all members of Buttercup at the WiggleRoom.

So, I will be leaving town in just a few short hours, for the wide-open spaces of the Lone Star State.
In the early part of the century, during the nation's big Oil Rush, the phrase "Gone to Texas" was used when business men & their families would write it on homemade signs, and hang them on the doors & gates of their abandoned houses, to inform neighbors and such that they had left to find their fortunes in the big state's "black gold".
And many did just that.

In MY case, I too am heading to the southwest, but this time it is to play a series of musical performances with some musician pals from New York. Which is also to say, unlike those original migrating industrialists, Nobody's gonna be getting rich off of THIS trip.

But Hell, we'll still have fun.
I, and 2 songwriter friends, are taking our guitars, or "axes" as we like to call them, and are heading out on tour, hitting Austin, San Antonio, College Station, etc.

I'm quite excited for a number of reasons:

1) In Texas, beers are half the price that they are in New York
2) One of those beers is Shiner Bock

Last night, I was down in the village getting together with my songwriter buddies, as we do every Monday night. (the purpose of our meetings, besides consuming lots of red wine and homemade pasta , is to grow as an artist. The way we do this is by writing a new song every week, then getting together in my friend's apartment to have dinner, complain about life, make fun of each other, and play our new songs with the hope of getting honest feedback on our work)
Anyway, I was laughing to myself all this morning, thinking about the best line I heard all night, and that ironically, it was spoken to me in conversation, rather than sung as a lyric in a song.

Times Square can handle Jumbotrons, cineplexes, and scores of billboards, but is it big enough for more than one Spider-Man?

For months, Steven Mercier has held court in front of the flagship Toys "R" Us store on 44th St. and Broadway, clad in a nylon Spider-Man costume, posing for pictures with wide-eyed kids, hoping for the attention and cash of curious tourists.

"People seem to love it!" he shouted above the din of the lunch-hour crowd.

Like the Naked Cowboy across the street, Mercier's shtick was, if not original, at least one-of-a-kind. He doesn't swing from buildings, but if someone wanted a picture with Spider-Man, Mercier was the only game in town.

That is, until a few weeks ago when Mercier arrived at his usual spot, only to find it occupied by his worst fear: another SpiderMan. And not just any Spider-Man, mind you, but a better-looking, more buff, carbon-copy of the original comic-book superhero. His red and blue outfit, smothered in webs, perfectly hugged his fit and trim frame, while his flashy web-shooting gesture had flocks of kids lining up for a picture.

Mercier looked on, dejected. "I was out here yesterday and then he moved to within three feet of me," said the 33-year-old street performer. "That's how much of a jerk he is."

At six-foot-two, 215-pounds, Mercier is not exactly tailor-made for the superhero biz. He sports a small paunch, wears a wrinkly outfit that’s two sizes too large, and his mask reveals far too much of his scraggly unshaven neck.

"When people see ME, they say, 'That's the REAL Spider-Man,'" said Spider-Man #2, who insisted his real name was Peter Parker. The 24-year-old has a confident voice, muffled by the mask. "I know how to communicate with people. I try to make it seem exactly like the movie." No worries there. Parker's suit is shiny & spotless and looks almost custom-made for his body. "That's part of the reason I get a lot of attention," he points out.

The other reason is his routine, which he has down to a science. Parker crouches and gestures to passersby, mostly to kids, with his pinky and pointer finger extended, as if spinning a web and ensnaring them to pose with him. The gesture works, as kids, almost trance-like, hustle over for a picture, their parents in tow (cost: $5). He pulls out his Polaroid, poses and then slips the money into his plaid suitcase.

"That's a horrible costume," one mom said, shaking her head in the direction of Mercier up the block. "It looks like he's in nylon pajamas." Her three kids then posed for a picture with Parker hunched over in his signature web-shot pose.

Parker claims that he's been doing his Spider-Man routine for years in front of Toys "R" Us, and just took a hiatus this summer. "This guy [Mercier] was always on the [traffic] island? Then he started doing everything I do, copying my style, my approach."

Mercier shrugged off the complaints, shaking his masked head. "He wasn't even born yet when Spider-Man came out."

"Hey Spider-Man!" shout a bevy of schoolchildren. Mercier strikes his superhero pose, but the kids pass by uninterested, continuing down the block to Parker.

A woman has transformed herself into a human hardware store, eating a diet of rusty nuts & bolts, glass & stones for the past 3 months.

Wow. So, nobody found that last post remotely amuzing, huh?

Well fine. Moving on...
How's this? There are at least 13 shows at present, that are set in Las Vegas.